Is this love?

How real is your love? Can it be touched or felt? Do you act it or do you speak it? Is it asleep or loud enough? Does it come with conditions? These were questions i silently asked myself today.

On our way to drop off the girls in school this morning, a young boy of about 8 in a public school uniform stood on a sidewalk yelling at the top of his voice with tears accompanying. Cars zoomed past, the popular black on yellow tricycles cruised beside him, leggidibenzers were not left out. Everyone ignored him. The poor boy looked like he was going to stand there and cry all day.

As we flew by, husband who had spotted him from afar slowed down and yelled "wetin happen"! The boy yelled back but we couldn't hear him clearly. We were almost at the end of the road when he turned back lamenting that it might just be transport money that was lost. 

On getting back to the spot, an elderly woman walking by was enquiring what was wrong and she told us the boy forgot his shoes in the Tricycle which dropped him. As soon as she disclosed the info she went about her business.

Hubby asked if it was getting into trouble with the school that the child was afraid of to which he replied in the affirmative.

Next thing I heard was "Get inside the car let's go to your school"! Ewooo! See shout as my head began to spin. Would someone take pictures and later accuse us of child kidnapping? Instablog flashed my mind. "No way"! I'm ashamed to say i shouted and on i went reeling out several reasons we couldn't take that step. I spotted some children in same uniform and about same age on the other side of the sidewalk. I immediately spoke with them and said they should go with him and explain to the authorities in school that it wasn't the little boys fault. I made sure we zoomed off as my good Samaritan husband mentioned that if shops were opened, he would have bought the lad another pair of shoes.

Reflecting much later, I began to question my reactions. Not only would the boy be in trouble in school, he would probably be in much more trouble at home. I imagined a poor home where it might take months to get him another pair. I became sober. Maybe i shouldn't have been so insistent. Maybe there was something else we could have done. Maybe I should have shown more love.

We have learnt so many inhumane attitudes for various reasons including fear of the unknown. We have acquired skills to pretend love, speak kindly, avoid hurting feelings, appear to take an interest in others and be fake polite.

True love however is sincere, without hypocrisy, real and can only come from a pure heart. It requires concentration and effort. Helping others to become better people demands our time, money and personal involvement.

I learnt a very vital lesson today and if it happens again, I would do better.  I would be better.

Finally, Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Roman 12 vs 9 &10)

Cheers.

Funmi Olutile

Our Love

Today at 1:03 PM 

This is my first post in what seems like ages. You know its not easy with Lagos life. One of my new year resolutions is to keep up with my writing in addition I must not get angry and I must loose weight! lol

So like a million years ago, (well more like 9 years ago), I found myself being induced into labour for delivery of my 2nd child. The baby had been due for a few days and i was still pleading with the hospital to wait 6 more days so i could share the same birthday with my baby.  My Doctor refused flat. I had a beautiful daughter already and I was excited and hoping for a boy to complete my family.

On the D-day, I was suddenly rushed to the theatre having been told briefly that my baby was in a breach position precisely with her neck tilted backwards. Apparently, the Doctors did not get any indication of this from the previous scans and that's how we found ourselves in an unwanted but emergency situation.

As the chief gynaecologist connected tubes to my arms, he quietly informed me that I was his priority and he had to work to save my life before the infant. That's when I knew the situation was serious and I remember yanking off the tubes and yelling that he shouldn't dare tell me something was wrong with my baby. I assured him i was fine but would not forgive him if anything happened to my baby. I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I wept loudly from pain and fear while my husband cried out to God in prayers. In fact everyone in the delivery room was praying fervently by the time the baby was eventually yanked out. It was another lovely girl but something was obviously wrong. She wasn't breathing and her color was really funny. For 20 minutes, we refused to give up and the staff continued to clear her airways and work on her until she let out a small cry. She was given a very low apgar score but she was alive!

We were thankful and counted ourselves fortunate. We named the new born Diekonifeoluwa ( the love of God towards me is unquantifiable) and watched over her at the hospital for weeks only going home for a few hours to name her officially on the 8th day. She had to be observed 24 hours at a time because she also had a condition called sleep apnea where she would forget to breathe. Our family came to our rescue as they took turns to watch her 24/7. Two people were always with her, one would carry her in their arms while the other would ensure the carrier didn't sleep. This was for 6 hours at a stretch for each team. Thank God for Family!

As if we hadn't suffered enough, the pediatrician came around and dealt another blow and Dieko was diagnosed with cerebral oedema (accumulation of excessive fluid in the brain). We braised up for the worst as we went again to the land of emotional trauma. We were simply told to prepare that our baby could have brain damage. As if to compound and confirm it, half of her body would twitch every few minutes or so. I expected the worst and would often break down. I felt detached because i couldn't feed her and i didn't want to hold her for the first few days out of fear that i would love her and loose her. Little did I also realise that God was still in the business of performing miracles. At that tender age, with all the tubes pumping fluid from her stomach and little body, she would smile and gaze at me as if I was her world and I fell into her trap. Till now, I must admit her smile still dazzles and tricks me!

Eventually, we were discharged from the hospital and only returned months later for a prescheduled comprehensive test. The same Doctors who had taken care of her from birth had to give praise to God and they declared her perfectly okay.

Dieko started to grow, her neck which had been stiff from birth normalised, though she still has faint scars on her forehead but we take this as a constant reminder that God is faithful.

Now you would imagine that my story should end here but it doesn't.

Dieko started school and it wasn't long before we realised something seemed to be wrong again. She wasn't doing well in school and her grades were poor! As expected, we did everything we could to help her. For example, It would appear as if she got the corrections to a problem she had previously failed but if you bring similar work the next day, it would be as if she had never been taught. I would weep secretly and compare her to her big sis who was an A+ student throughout her Primary school. I would call her names like lazy and wield the big stick whenever we sat to do homework. It took hours to complete one homework and we were all physically drained. We hired and fired home lesson teachers because we felt they weren't making a difference. This continued for years and I felt hopeless. Naturally, we started to talk of medical tests and ask questions like could the doctors be wrong and there was still something wrong with my baby?

Dieko still calls four points by Sheraton as points four by Sheraton; b was always pronounced d, d was b to her, 21 would be written as 12 and so on. Oh yes, she would swap her shoes and wear them the other way around. In fact whenever she dresses up her little cousin till now, she wears the little ones shoes all wrong .

In 2014, I met a wonderful woman who became a support in teaching Dieko after regular school hours. Her impact started being felt almost instantly. She explained to us that children are different and the approach to tutor a child like Dieko who was left handed had to be different!

This had always been the key we missed. Dieko was left handed. What we call leftie! A little more research showed that the brain wiring in righties is different from lefties and here i was raising prayer point on a daily basis. They even hear speeches (lectures) differently,  She was so confused by all the teaching and corrections and she simply gave up trying. My beautiful intelligent daughter is one with a condition that strikes less than 10% of the world population. A chronic leftie. We almost failed her.

About a year later in 2015, we withdrew her from regular school because when we teach at home, the school continues in their own method and so Dieko became home schooled. I had never heard of it in Nigeria at that time and I imagined I was the only one. It wasn't long before we saw the star she really was come to light.

Then my husband said to me there are many parents in our shoes who have children with special needs like this. Some children have difficulty communicating, some are simply withdrawn, some are lefties, many with learning disability but whatever the case, most just need the attention to identify the problem and then employ a method that works for them. This gave birth to a school called Capefield Academy.

Capefield Academy which is a Nursery and Primary School with a clear difference and was inaugurated on the 19th of December, 2015 will be in full operation when we open for the 2nd term on the 18th of January, 2016.

In Capefield, we offer the early years foundation years curriculum for nursery; Integrated English National curriculum for Primary; Specialized teaching by specialist tutors; child friendly atmosphere; Rich and varied co-curricular activities and so on and so forth. Our children will more importantly be groomed to become Godly and global citizens.

At Capefield Academy, we believe that with God, every child can succeed.

We welcome you to our world and also wish you a happy and prosperous 2016.

Husband and wife

Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy and girl "fall" in love. They get married in this beautiful ceremony and become husband and wife. Fast forward a year later. Man begins to hit wife for whatever reason. Wife endures because after all her mother stayed with her father despite all odds. It soon becomes a pattern. Fast forward several years later, husband shoots his wife. She dies! What happened to the love poems, the love text messages, the love letters and all the other love things?

I recently attended the burial of Isioma Awele Ebegbodi. As her body was being lowered, friends from her alma mater queens college sang the school song but all I could take away with me was the grief on her mothers face. Isioma was killed with a gun by her husbands hands. With her died all the hopes she had for her children and all the potentials of the great woman she was to be. She would no doubt have affected her generation positively and maybe become a household name in the profession of medicine. She was the oldest of two siblings and a mother of 3.

I wonder at what point a woman has the right to say 'i want to be alive so I opt out of this marriage'. At what point will the Church not frown at a woman who leaves her husband for her own safety sake. At what point will society stop frowning at single mothers and accept that they are not promiscuous. At what point does a mother and father accept their daughter back and say 'welcome home'. It is probably not a regular portion of anyone's  prayer but at what point do we accept that enough is enough?

In my opinion, every marriage has the limits to which it must be endured. Most marriages end up being fine but there is this little percentage that it's better to get out before your light is put out. Of course no one is the better judge of a marriage than the husband and wife. They alone know the limits that can be endured and they alone know when the threshold is reached. Family might read whatever meaning into it but it all boils down to the man and wife. I am in no way an advocate for divorce (dissolution of marriage) but if that is what will keep our mothers, wives, sisters and daughters alive, then I say go for it. At least let there be a separation and prayers can be made from outside. We should not advocate for these women to stay in there and keep praying.

I watched Akolade Arowolo after the judgement that he be hanged, and I couldn't just bear the fact that he broke down in tears with a Bible in his hands and asking God why? This is after killing his wife by stabbing her to death. By the way, they had a child together. Mother in the grave, Father in prison. Except for Gods intervention, what kind of life is left for these children?

I heard a true life story of a man who would threaten his wife during arguments with a knife. What do you think would happen some day? How about the man who would keep following his wife around the house as if in a trance just after she caught him in adultery?  Jazz? Oh, how about the one who lays hands on acid and bathes his wife in it? Examples abound in every culture and in every society.

I'd  like to advice my fellow women:

i. To single ladies- Look before you leap. No point rushing in and rushing out.

ii. To single mothers- Look before you leap again. Affliction shall not arise a second time.

iii. To the young married woman- If your life is in danger, speak out, don't endure

iv. To the older married woman- If your life is in danger, don't stay for the children's sake

v. To all women- Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 KJV). You are somebody and your life is worth it.

vi. To Isiomas family- Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.

R.I.P. Dr. Isioma Awele Ebegbodi (nee Unokanjo).

Behind the facade

I have discovered that what you see is not necessarily what you get. What you hear might not necessarily be what it ought to mean. Most of us usually do not look into the eyes of the people we talk to. I have observed that the eyes can reveal the whole truth about someone's personality or about a situation.The eyes as its often said is the mirror to the soul. Indeed, it is the doorway to reveal all the deep and secret things that pertains to man.

The eyes tell a story that no one else will ever understand. One look into the eyes can reveal if sadness is behind that smile. It can reveal when someone is lying or even pretending. Simply put, your eyes betray you every time you try to say something different. It simply exposes you. As long as the heart is beating and feeling then the eyes will tell your story.

Someone said "the eyes shout what the lips fear to say."

You might see a well dressed man, comfortable and all but a look in his eyes and you might discover he is most miserable of men. You might see that fellow in the nice car but not everything might be nice and neat at home and except you look into the eyes, you won't get the true facts. Sometimes you see a woman who doesn't look left or right when she manouvers a major road, instead of judging her and shouting the popular "go and get a driver" a deeper look in the eyes will tell you the reason she is absent minded. She might have just passed through a hell of an emotional abuse from the man she married. Sometimes, you see the prettiest of ladies and you would never believe that she has a philandering husband. Its her eyes that will inform you of her true secrets. You might see a lovely looking couple with pictures all over facebook but that might really be where it ends. It might all just be an appearance, so check out their eyes. That woman who called in sick to work yesterday and came today with heavy Make-up and long sleeves , might be trying to hide the cuts and bruises of the physical beating her husband gave to her but you can't detect her pain until you search her eyes. She just might be the victim of the most pleasant of men at work who turns into a beast once he gets into the confines of his home.

The point is sometimes, you might see someone have the "great life" but it could just be an art. You need to be able to see behind the facade. What does that smile really mean? What is really behind that blank look on that pretty face? What's with that mean boss's disposition? How about that rude attendant at the gate of the supermarket? The policeman? Your employee? Your colleague? Your spouse? Next time you talk with anyone, look behind the facade. The eyes will tell you the real story because once you identify the problem, you just might be the one to make the world a better place for someone else .

Finally remember, The Lord sees what happens everywhere; he is watching us, whether we do good or evil. (Proverbs 15:3 GNT)

Cheers!

A Mothers Life

This morning whilst preparing to do school runs, my 5 and 9 year old girls asked me to attend an hour to celebrate Mother's Day in their school. (In Nigeria, Mother's Day this year is actually on Sunday, 10th March). They were very disappointed when i told them it won't be possible because "mummy is going far". We cleaned up some tears and i promised to pick them up myself and cherish the keepsakes they would have presented to me in school. Hours later, even in the several meetings i attended, all i could think about was my late mother.

 I am who I am today by the grace of God and the prayers of my mother. She prepared me physically and Spiritually for where I find myself today and the journey I had no knowledge about. Multi-tasking, generous, goal getter, ambitious, intelligent, dedicated, wise, strong, funny, very funny are just some of the words i can use to describe Olajumoke Marcus (nee Carew). Little wonder in my tribute to her 5 years ago, i said it will be very difficult to fill her big shoes. How fortunate i was to have that woman stand in the gap and pray for me. We will never forget!

I have also discovered that a mothers role can be likened to giving love and the recipient might not always reciprocate. It is similar to the popular saying suffering and smiling. Even when a mother is hurt, she will still embrace. She hardly remembers to pray for herself as its always in the order of husband, children and then any other person she is concerned about or that has prayer point. In other words, her soft shoulders are strong enough to carry the weight of her family. She will pick herself up and dust the hurts and rejections, she will cry when you cry, she will laugh when you are happy. Even when she is dead tired, she will still entertain, wash, cook and clean. She will still do homework after school and she hardly gets a thank you from anyone for a job well done.

My point is if you are fortunate enough to still have your mother, give her a call and just say how are you doing mama? If there is a mother figure in your life, do the same.

Many around the world celebrate Mother's Day with breakfast in bed, flowers, gifts, trips to the spa and so on. Sounds good but that comes around for just few hours in 365days. Wouldn't it be nice to make everyday Mother's Day by your thoughtfulness towards that special woman who has sacrificed her life so you can have a better one? My advice is to make hay while the sun shines and fulfil the scripture that says "Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. (Ephesians 6:2, 3 KJV).

By the way, I picked the girls up myself and had to buy ice cream to make up for not attending the celebrations and because my little daughter lost the card she was to give me! My way of celebrating my day!

Cheers,

Funmi Olutile

Where did the innocence go

We were told that In the olden days you could go and buy stuff without the seller being around. You can just put your money there in place of say yam and then the owner picks it up later. No one would have touched it. Children were taught to help the old woman carry heavy luggages and to stand up for the elderly to sit in the public bus. Well, yours truly didn't meet that era.

Now in some communities, old people are suspected to be witches and wizards! Some of them are beaten to death while some are locked up in a room with raw pepper to choke them to death. There is now the fear that if you help or talk to a stranger, you are in danger of your money or body parts disappearing or worse still being kidnapped for ritual. 

A family trip to Ghana for two weeks mid year 2012 gave me a little taste of what i had only heard about. My observation was that the people were not overly friendly but they were generally polite and helpful if you requested it. What struck me the most was their ability to trust total strangers. it was not something we were used to. On one occasion, we bought some stuff in a small shop and there was no change. The lady asked if we were passing through the same route again and if so we could come back to pay! On another occasion, we picked a cab from the popular makola market in Accra and on the way we had several unscheduled stops to the bank, the supermarkets, a quick lunch etc. We just assumed that the driver would ask for extra money. When he took us back to the hotel, we waited for it but it never came. We then asked again how much his money would be and he mentioned the same amount as he had charged us from the beginning. It was such a different world from what we were used to. Little wonder even in their remote villages, you had foreigners walking around freely at all hours of the day.

Now i ponder, what really happened to change our own society? What has caused the moral decadence ? Many have blamed it on poverty, greed, our leaders, new generation, even on the movie industry and so on. I really cannot answer the question. However, what i do know is that there is no respect for human life. Everyone is a suspect, everyone is a victim. Innocent, harmless citizens are maimed for not having enough money at home for the night invaders. The bus conductor is out to cheat the passenger, the passenger is out to cheat the conductor. You can't travel some places at night for fear of robbery and rape. The society at large is gradually falling apart!

The solution lies in your hands.

If you dare to be different, it's a matter of time before you influence those around you. By passing on your values, the cycle goes on. Let your thoughts be different, let your approach be different. Don't be typical anything! Dare to be different!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. (Proverbs 3:5-8 KJV)

Cheers

Funmi Olutile

I Do

   In recent times, I have attended a lot of inter tribal marriages and I have seen a lot of them stand the test of time. I have also observed that some families are still sceptical when it comes to marriage between two people from different cultures. Between my husbands parents and my parents, there are eight (8) chilldren and only two (2) are married to spouses from their own tribe. The other six(6) went as far as Delta, Anambra and even Edo State claimed three of our siblings.  Thus, the grandchildren have all kinds of names. It can also be very interesting learning other languages and culture and some of these marriages are also the most beautiful you can imagine. Before nko?

         Anyway, seriously, I think that tribe does not matter and yet i also believe that it matters. There is a way we generalise people from certain tribes. For example, some have come to the conclusion that all Yoruba people like party, all igbo men like money,Edo women are fornicators, their men are         419, Urhobo's are wayo and so on. We categorise people as good or bad based on an experience we have had with someone from that area or on the experience of others.   However, in my opinion, the success of a marriage is not based on where the individuals hail from but rather the family background and the maturity of at least one of the individuals concerned. I have always admired the trans cultural marriage of the 3rd common wealth secretary general, Dr Emeka Anyaoku. He is a nigerian of Igbo descent. The Ichie Anyaoku from Anambra has been married to Princess Bunmi Anyaoku an Omoba of Abeokuta from Ogun State since 1962.  Of course there were strong oppositions to the marriage from both sides but years later, at the funeral of Princess Anyaokus mother, (one of those who didnt want the trans cultural marriage) ,she stated in her address that she ended up being her mother’s daughter in-law and her husband was the mother’s son.There's is a classic example of inter tribal marriage that stood the test of time. i.e.51 years and still counting.

        Marriage between people from similar cultures has its own intricacies. I therefore do not blame the people who raise objections to trans cultural marriage because if not properly handled, it can be a disaster. Perhaps before marriage, families should endeavour to teach the daughters contentment and the sons humility, this training will help them enjoy and not endure their marriage regardless if from different cultures or not. It should also be known that marriage can make or mar destiny and should not be approached casually. Deeper counselling should therefore be offered by the Church to couples and their families before nuptials are tied. We need to dig dip into everything and anything that can be a future problem. I'm only saying that the Church has a major role to speak plainly and not in parables when it comes to matters of the heart. The rate of Christian divorce has become alarming and some of the blame unfortunately can be laid at the feet of the Church. I am therefore of the opinion that one should thoroughly investigate and understand a family's tradition before contracting marriage.

         Finally, there is no perfect marriage but a tip that will keep any marriage going is to find your own balance and be friends with your spouse. A big congratulations to my sister in law who got married last saturday and yes, it was another trans cultural marriage!

Cheers
Funmi Olutile

What's in a name

At the beginning of life, an identity is given to a new born infant and its called a name.

To further give the child a more defined identity, the name of the family is included. At some point in time, that name either makes you proud or makes you ashamed. Furthermore, some people get carried away by worldly pleasures and their beclouded actions lead others with the same name to bury their heads in shame. Yet, some people fulfil the scripture that says a good man leaves inheritance for his children's children. How? By leaving a good name.

A friend once told me that when he was growing up in a remote village in Ondo State as a young child, it got to the point his mother could no longer afford to pay his school fees after his father died. She managed to pay until he completed his junior secondary school and he dropped out of school to become a cab driver.  Suddenly, out of the blues, came this teacher who insisted on paying the fees of this child until he completed his secondary education. He later moved out of Ondo State, went to the university and thus fulfilled his dreams of becoming a medical Doctor. And then one day, he heard that his beloved teacher died. The Doctor who was by then married, told his wife "Darling, you now have some children you did not labour for". He immediately went searching until he located all of the late teachers children and ensured they all got educated to the highest possible. Indeed, the good teachers name made a way for his children.

What's your name? What does it mean? Is it meaningful or meaningless? Are you going to allow the next generation after you to lift their heads up or are you going to cause them to bury their heads in shame? I have purposed that my name is going to open doors to my thousandth generation!

Cheers!
Funmi Olutile